Oh, American Airlines Flight AA 195 (LHR to PHX), how you frustrate me. Tease me with free booze and 10 hours of entertainment via seat-back television screens in a nice cush (or is that crash?) Boeing 777, and then rip that away with a shitty In-Flight Entertainment (IFE… shouldn’t that acronym represent “in-flight emergency”?) server on board, meals that would have been torture to Guantanamo Bay “visitors,” and some of the grumpiest flight attendants I’ve met in the “friendly” skies.
Nearly an hour after takeoff, we passengers are informed that the IFE (entertainment, not emergency) system is inoperable after three reboots. The giant voice also recommended that we contact American Airlines and complain. Like that’s gonna do any good.
Semper Gumby. In preparation for downtime and working my way through the 37 movies this year, I carry a few of the Godzilla videos on my phone. Cue the starting sequence – complete with a nice bottle of white wine in hand – and away we go.
The Plot
Let’s be honest. If you are looking for Academy Award level material, nothing in the Godzilla’s early years – aside from the first “Gojira” – will provide any substance worth critiquing. [Author’s note: snark aside, I needed something to write about this year. G-man’s 70th anniversary marathon seemed to provide #LifeGoals worth accomplishing during my mid-life re-examination. And the IFE server was down. ]
These movies are the visual equivalent of sticky caramel popcorn washed down with a two liter of Coke. The movie’s plot is credibly summarized at these sites: Wikizilla and Gojipedia.
What I witnessed were two mid-level employees at the fictional Pacific Pharmaceuticals trying to suck up to their bi-polar boss by proposing they head to Farou Island to kidnap (monkeynap?) King Kong (TM). Jumpcut to a UN submarine helmed by Americans that foolishly crashed into the iceberg that held Godzilla. Boat sinks, urine-colored dye gets dumped into the sea, and G-man gets released.
I swear Joseph Campbell’s Power of Myth could learn much from the flimsiness of the Godzilla “call to adventure” – “a underwater metal tube filled with crunch small critters crashed into my sleepy place. Now I am pissed… again. Time to smash.”
After a half-assed effort by miniature Japanese Defense Force tanks to hold back G-man, we then jump to Tweedledee and Tweedledum’s effort to monkeynap Kong. This iconic scene, in masterstroke of cinematic tomfoolery, shows:
- Colonials attempting to lure natives (other colonial actors in blackface) with radios and cigarettes (“smokes”)
- An effort to show us Farou Island’s best export: native girls dancing in submission to a giant drunk hairy ape
- Finally, we learn that Kong has a drinking problem. A couple tubs of orange paint and he hits the floor. No Ten Rounds of Jose Cuervo for him.
Kong figuratively falls off the wagon and gets tied to a raft being pulled to Japan, where G-man has arrived for his usual workout routine: tangle with electrical powerlines and stomp on trains. Tweedle-deux’s attempt to blow Kong up, but end up freeing him close to the shore. Hmm… I wonder what’s in store? There are around three minutes of Kong and G-man posturing and flexing. Ape throws rocks and lizard throws atomic breath.
Winner of Round One: clearly Godzilla.
The JDF puts together the dumbest idea (in this movie, at least) to capture Godzilla: dig a deep pit, try to drive him towards the camouflaged hole with walls of flame, then blow up the hole (con lagarto, en Español). My gut was telling me if you want to lure G-man, throw something in the hole worth chasing after… like women, smokes, or some train cars. Understandably, G-man’s pissed once he climbs out.
The next idea is to lure Godzilla into high-tension wires, this time with a “million watts” of electricity. Why call an ace a spade here? The plan required 1 gigawatt (giga, not jiga please…) of electricity. The Japanese military figures that electricity juices Kong (instead of burning off his hair?) while it flusters Godzilla. Hmm. Lets find a way to make the tall destructive lizard even angrier. Good plan, guys.
Kong goes on a bender after licking the gigawatt wires and smashes stuff… like Godzilla? I say again: good plan, guys. During his smash-fest, Kong grabs a subway train and picks up a woman. Harkening back to his gropey, handsy past, Kong takes the female victim and attempts to climb a building. The JDF’s plan is to fire white powder at Kong to get him asleep. I think all this did was increase the Ape’s drug problem, but I digress.
Tweedle-deux’s experience on Farou Island – when they weren’t increasing the lung cancer rate or ogling the native women – remind them how to turn On-A-Bender Kong into Sleepy Kong: rhythmic music. Cue the drum solo. Kong passes out and the JDF attaches balloons to him… well, just because. Meanwhile Godzilla is peacefully walking on the outer slopes of Mount Fuji. He’s a frequent tourist, and likely just wanted to see how the area changed since his last visit. Kong drops by balloon, and the most over-hyped battle between two cinema rockstars begins.
Or does it?
Kong ends up doing some unseemly things to Godzilla. Twice.
I won’t give descriptive words to the battle being fought here. It could be Kong vs. Godzilla or even Decency vs. Unprimate like behavior. Needless to say the battle within (and without) raged on. Until the monsters found yet another thing to take away from the Japanese: Atami Castle.
This scene could hardly be called a fight, battle, or melee. No, this was two creatures wanting to just tear stuff down. In the image below, there’s plenty of ass-whooping space around the castle to tear each other limb-from-limb. What do these two clowns do? Park on either side and tear the building apart.
Winner of Round Two: Godzilla, reclaiming his dignity.
Loser of Round Two: Atami Castle, by a landslide.
The ending is ambiguous with Godzilla just disappearing (no catharsis for him or us), and Kong swimming back to his paradise of dancing native women, smokes, and sleepy juice.
Totals
- Cigarettes claimed by the kid: 2 (but Mom took one of them)
- Trains wrecked: two
- Casualties: hard to claim due to unknown population density of critters in the forested areas these two traipsed through.
Final Thoughts
Whatever Toho thought they were doing with this script, it likely didn’t hit the absurdity of the original idea of King Kong vs. Frankenstein. I’d like to say this wasn’t the worst outing in this marathon journey, but the days are still young. As for costume design, Godzilla seemed to be in his prime form, while Kong’s costume looked… well, you’ll have to judge for yourself.
Rating
Two Godzilla screeches out of five.
All movie stills belong to Toho Co., Ltd. and are used under the fair use doctrine of the U.S. copyright statute.
Joseph T. Page II 
That was entertaining Joseph Page, we sure do miss you keeping it real! -Clarks
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